I discovered a 2 month old boarding pass to Auckland in my bag and since then it’s been serving me as a bookmark to the current book I am reading – Among the believers – an Islamic Journey by V S Naipaul. I don’t know what joy this boarding pass gives me, I can easily choose a nice glossy bookmark from the collection I have but no..this is special. May be this reminds me of my first holiday with my husband.
I was on my way back home at the same time on the same train with same book and same boarding pass. The train was packed; I could feel the person at my back breathing on me. Nobody expected, they could fall in so much crowd, but the driver proved us wrong. With one sudden short jerk everybody toppled and there goes my boarding pass. It took me a minute to realize that I had lost it. I was looking at the floor so anxiously people thought I lost something expensive. And started searching too! I gave up after much hunt. But every now and then my eyes would roll down to see the glimpse of it. Alas, I thought it was better to let it go. As I was ready to get down at my station, an old woman lifted her foot and voila!!, there it was. Indiana Jones wouldn’ have been that happier. Quickly I picked it up, got down and comfortably placed it on page number 398.
Heart is a peculiar organ. I fail to understand what makes it happy or sad. I have been feeling quite low since last 2-3 days. I have observed no amount of inspiring reads really work during such disposition. I tried talking to my pets, watching TV, surfing on new destination to travel but something when bothers you to the core doesn’t really heal with that easy distraction. I also tried eating chocolates which I heard release happy hormones..well bullshit, I just got pimples!
So, I was sitting with my laptop doing some futile research just before writing this blog. It is 10 p.m. right now in India. Suddenly our door bell rang, I was least bothered to get up and see, but I was curious who would be there at late night. A moment later my dad came to my room giving me a tiffin box from my neighbor who sent her signature homemade cake only for me. Mrs. Lall, my 65 year old neighbor is one of my favorites because of her doting love towards me and her yummy cakes. The moment I saw the box, I jumped from my bed, opened the box and ate like a child. My dad looked at me with a smile and left me with the box full of delicious cake. I don’t know if it has started releasing happy hormones and brought me back to my sunny disposition but it certainly worked. What more could be a proof that I opened my blog and wrote after 4 days, and that is why heart is a peculiar organ. 🙂
Why can’t life be simple. Why do we have to take decisions. Why do we fall into a charade of to-do or not-to-do.
These are some questions I am looking the answers for. More than the inability to take decisions this post is more on the never ending dilemmas in life. Of late I have been experiencing perplexities in certain areas of my life, the decision of which can not be taken in one yes or no. Today with much thought on my current situation I tried to identify the factors that leads to confused state of mind:
1. Options/Choices: More options leads to more confusion. You keep hopping from one option to another without leading to any final destination. If you have only one way to follow you would not be bothered about anything better.
2. Desires: More is better. And more is never enough. Somewhere the want of more makes you indecisive as you never would be able to gauge how much more is enough for you.
3. Want of best: A part of desires that always persuade you to close your eyes on a good opportunity only in a want of the best thing. Hence you are always dwindling between the better and best.
4. Too much thinking: We were taught to think and act. I think I took it a bit too seriously. Over thinking crowds your mind, thus the inability to take a call leads to perpetual confusion.
While I am trying to overcome the obstacles that makes me dilemmatic but this is how it is. May be some of you could tell how to rule out the dilemma part.
“Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.” – Albert Einstein
To be opinionated or not to be that is the question. I have always observed that having opinions on everything and having none at all both are not taken in a very good light. It gets annoying sometimes with opinionated people but that’s genuine as there can’t be two lions living peacefully in a territory, they ought to fight to survive. They may not agree with each other’s opinions but are conscious enough of each other’s presence. On the other hand, I feel sorry for those who lack any thought or idea of their own. They are like shadows following voiced souls. There may be a variety that holds opinion but are meek to express them as they think their expression might be rejected or remain unheard. But what is wrong with the rejection, even president’s policies are sometimes rejected by people? You got to try over and over again and soon you will get used to of rejection. Sometimes I think, these non-opinionated people are dangerous for a democracy, as they wouldn’t even know whom to vote in elections. But it is equally true that these non-opinionated people are angels, as you know they will never disagree with you so you will always get their nods. Hmmm, does not sound fun. May be they opt to be mutes most of the times so that they can be in good books of others. Well, there are enough good people on this planet, I still like to be counted as a headstrong.
It is not my business but I still would like to give an advice to such people. Stop being good if you are trying to. Look around and think. You will soon get some thought on India’s deteriorating politics, global recession or civil wars in Gulf. Say it, even if it doesn’t make sense or is insensitive statement. But you have to say it, otherwise you will be soon termed as DUMB both literally and figuratively.
This is to bring to your notice that I am dying. No, not with cancer but with the work load you’ve been bestowing on me. I may be one of your efficient employees but I have only one overused brain, a pair of hands and eyes each. Oh, by the way, my left eye couldn’t take the atrocities and has reddened temporarily and don’t even ask about the horrendous dark circles, they are just worsening day by day. All the endless work has made my brain an early receptor to dementia. I am glad to tell you that I’ve been meeting my project deadlines till now without fail by drudging 45 hours per week. Almost self sabotaging my social life. People run away from crabby me. I appreciate your efforts to make your employees happy (or less grumpy) with lunch parties at times but in reality it’s a bane (for a 25-year-old woman) more than a boon, as my inability to visit gym on working days is making me fat. Some more lunches and I’ll become a football. I am quite sure the alarming level of caffeine is running like a toxicant in my blood. Did I mention a couple of grey hair on my head, ah, never mind. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you of the outdoor activities the company was supposed to organize but didn’t, as you are busy making big bucks!
I, however thank my parents for still recognizing me and providing me night shelter and one time meal, for free. The day is not far when I’ll become a tenant in my own home and will be asked for rents. My dog doesn’t hold any expectations from me either as most of the times I am just sleep walking at home.
I kindly request you to figure out something effective before I turn into a complete ass. Lastly, I just wish I could send you this heart-rending letter in person.
Your soon-to-be lunatic employee